Missing the Alleluias

Lent is difficult. There are the days of fasting, the extra services, the reminders of the Crucifixion, the litanies and confessions of sin. It can seem really, really depressing, even knowing that all of the preparation is for something mysterious, magical and awe-some.

But really, what hits me the most, is the lack of Alleluias. I keep starting to say them at the Eucharist, at the final blessing. And it chokes me up that they aren't there. Even now, just typing this, I'm welling up. Part of it is that I personify things like Alleluias. I'm a poet, and we do weird things like that. I picture them as golden, curvy words floating around ethereally, enjoying God's presence and spirit. And when we say the word, it lifts them up and makes God happy. I told my husband as we were walking out of church a couple weeks ago, when I first missed the Alleluias, that someone must have caught them in a net, wrapped them in tissue paper, and put them away in a box in a closet in the choir room. I thought they must be sad to be in the dark, and maybe even be wondering what they did wrong. Paul, as usual, rolled his eyes and told me I'm strange. Strange in a positive way, but strange nonetheless. I'll be so happy on Easter Day when they get unwrapped again and can come join us in church, in songs and responses. And I think God will be happy too.

I made it through February, but...

The discernment committee had its first meeting without any help from shepherd or rectors just over a week ago. We did pretty well. We picked/elected/volunteered (depending on who you ask) a scribe and a leader. We had to go back and consult our list of strengths that we had talked about at the last meeting, but we found someone task oriented to lead us, and someone detail oriented to take notes. And we mapped out the dates for the rest of our meetings, and got down to business.

Business consisted of one member saying, “Kristin, I still don’t feel like I know you, yet. Tell us about what you like to, don’t like, what work is like…” and I jumped right in. I’m an extrovert, so I can talk, and talk, and talk.

I filled everyone in on my current family. That would be my husband Paul, my two cockatiels, and two Chihuahua mixes. Some days I feel like I am the leader of all these people/creatures, and some days I am a partner with a Chihuahua or a person. Never a bird. Birds don’t make good partners.

And I told everyone about my life at Trinity. I do most everything I can, much to Paul’s frustration at times. I have a hard time saying, “No,” when I see a need and no one jumping in to get it done. But I’m getting better. So, I used to serve on altar guild, but because of scheduling, I’m now just a fill-in person. I have helped out once or twice in the Godly Play room and nursery, but I used to do Godly Play as a regular teacher at a previous church and discovered I am not called to that ministry. I’ve tried to stay clear of that area unless I’m really needed. I lector, but that doesn’t take much time and the same goes for serving on the altar a couple of times a month. I do coffee hour every couple of months. Really, my time goes into chairing the Ministry Committee, leading seasonal Taize services, and during Lent I’m leading an adult formation class after Taize. And now, I’ve been elected to serve on the Vestry. I think my calling there is being the light fizzy bubbles in what can otherwise be a heady drink. For example, during this week’s presentation from the finance committee, I asked about lottery tickets. I think some folks might be thinking getting me on vestry wasn’t the best decision anyone ever made.

And my work life, is well…work. And that’s another place I have a hard time saying, “No.” It’s because I’m a teacher, and I really care about students and my teaching. But, again, I’ve been trying to let others carry the staff so I’m not getting pooped from hauling it everywhere. And teaching means really uneven time. When I’m on break, I have LOTS of time. But when I’ve got a few classes going, and committee work, and grading, and prep, and meetings to tutor students, and projects, and conferences, and meetings about what kinds of desks we should have in the classrooms, and people emailing me for information about assessment of student learning, and books I need to read, and…and…and… Well, you can see where this is going.

And this is part of a roadblock to my discernment journey. I can’t do everything I’ve been doing at work for the past two years AND do all I need to be doing at church. This came to a head last month. You can read my last post to see how crazy it was. So now, two weeks into March, I’m just starting to recover. Last Sunday, Fr. Charlie came up to me at coffee hour and said, “Kristin, you look like yourself! You look great!” I was getting pretty haggard and had dark circles under my eyes by the end of February, and I wasn’t smiling much. It’s good to know I’ve started to come back to life.

This time crunch has impacted the discernment committee in a couple of ways. One is that they know if I can’t take care of myself, I can’t help take care of others. Self-ministry is really, really important. Secondly, they have taken some of the brunt of my entropic scheduling. I thought I would be back from Spring Break in time to have a meeting in two weeks, but I got my schedule wrong, and we have to reschedule the next meeting. This throws off our schedule, and it inconveniences those five other people. What if it had been something related not to me, but to my ministry in the future?

So, I’m working on this, with God’s help. He got me through that awful month of February that I made for myself, but I don’t think He’s always going to be so flexible. I’m renegotiating my work load. For the past two years, I’ve held two jobs at once: teaching and leading student learning assessment efforts at my college. I have never been able to do both well. So next fall, I’m going to focus on the assessment efforts and help hire someone else to do the bulk of the work load. In the spring, I go back to a normal teaching schedule with just one committee to chair, and I only need to chair it for a couple more years. This will allow me to have a regular work day instead of the ten hour days I’ve been putting in and still not being able to get my work done, ever.

I’m also working on not saying, “Yes,” to everything at church, and to doing more to nurture myself. During Lent, I’ve been leading Taize and adult formation on Tuesday nights. In the past, we had a new Taize service for each of the nights we gathered. This time, there’s one service repeated each time we gather. For the adult formation, I’m relying on discussion rather than memorizing a bunch of material for a lecture. It’s working well, and I’m enjoying the services and the discussions as much as if I were just a participant. Plus, I’ve been attending Wednesday morning Stations of the Cross to help center myself for the season. And I’m fasting on Fridays. I’ve been so much more relaxed, at peace, and able to deal with the problems that come up during the day. I’m not as frazzled and panicky and short-tempered. It’s so much better.

I’ll keep checking on myself and reevaluating where I’m at. And really, I know that if the committee decides this isn’t the right time in my life, that the call should wait a bit until I’m less scheduled and more on top of things, I know it’s for the best. God’s will will be done no matter what.