Not a Final Destination

Every road trip I've ever been on has had an end destination. We traveled back and forth from Tucson to northern Ohio during the summers when I was a kid. We drove to Disneyland. I drove to my mom's house in Colorado from northern Wisconsin and Minnesota when I was in college and grad school. Paul and I have driven all over the Midwest and parts of the south. But I've never had one of those road trips where someone leaves the house without a map, without a final destination in mind. That's mainly because I'm type-A and I wouldn't like that.

That's also probably why when I started questioning my path to deaconhood, I felt really queasy. I had felt like there was a map in my hand, pointing me to a final destination of ordination. But all of a sudden it was like the map was swept out the car window, and I didn't have GPS or OnStar or even a passenger to ask for help. There were no roadsigns, and all I could do was stop at the gas station and get quizzical looks from attendants, all of whom had different ideas on how to find my way.

I had emailed a lot of friends and asked family for insight. All of them said to listen to what my heart was saying, to God in my heart. But it felt like God was being really quiet. He was like a passenger who falls asleep while you're driving. He's there, but He's not giving input. Plus, He doesn't wake up for just anything.

I decided after all this questioning to take a break. One of the concerns my discernment committee had was that I've been moving so fast, and while I was making time for the deaconate training I'd undergo, I might burn out. My mom is always one to tell me that I take on too much. Paul does too. Part of me felt guilty, that I was letting Trinity down, or the discernment group, or Fr. Charlie, or even myself. But my health and well-being need to be taken care of. I won't help anyone if I don't help myself first.

I made this decision before school started back, but life has been hectic. School starting, my sister getting married, and just everyday life have kept me running, and kept me away from the blog. I'm praying that I will find time to reflect and keep moving on this journey. I'm looking at this as a stop at a really cool roadside attraction, but definitely not the final destination.

Discernment

So how did this whole deacon thing come about? Well, I was happily serving as lector and as a substitute short stop on the church softball team when I was beamed by a line drive in the knee... Oh wait, wrong story. But that's a good story too, if you like swearing and big purple bruises.

But playing softball was one of the clues that maybe being a deacon is where I need to be. I've always been active in the churches I've been a part of. I've taught Sunday school (which is so NOT my calling), been on altar guild, and I've lectored since I was in high school at the big Catholic Church I grew up in. But then, in 2005, Trinity Church hired a new priest. Fr. Charlie DeKay is not the kind of priest Trinity was used to. We had had the same priest for 30+ years and had grown, well...let's say accustomed to the way things had developed. In other words, it was a little stagnant. But hiring a new young priest, who came with a young wife and three small children, changed all that. We didn't have a Sunday school when I came to Trinity, or a softball team, or a Worship Committee, or a wheelchair ramp, or any other number of things. Let's just say that the Holy Spirit is now flying so fast around Trinity that you almost get knocked over on the way to the bake sale table. It's cool!

But having a new priest meant other changes too. We try new things. One of the new things was the Worship team, which I was asked to serve as a member. When we lost our chairperson, I felt called to step in. I've learned about liturgy and hymns and other aspects of our service I hadn't known about. But it lead Fr. Charlie to ask me to deliver Morning Prayer one morning this past summer. I even got to give the sermon. I was moved by the Holy Spirit and the congregation enjoyed my talk. This was the first time someone from Trinity came up to me and said, "Kristin, you should be a deacon." Okaaaayyy.... Then, during our softball games this summer, I was asked to lead the pre-game prayer a couple of times. Someone else came up to and said, "Hey Kristin, you should be a deacon." Now, this was getting disconcerting. I am fine just as I am. Right?

But I started praying about it. And God started to remind me of little things that had happened early in my life that I had forgotten about that reminded me of earlier calls. And I prayed some more. And then, with a little apprehension, I approached Fr. Charlie one morning after services. "I'm thinking about being a deacon," I said, probably with a look that said something like, "and I'm not sure what to think about this whole thing because it's really, really freakin' me out." But Fr. Charlie seemingly ignored the look on my face, started to beam and glow and then hugged me. So I guess he was excited. I wasn't yet.

Fr. Charlie hooked me up with a deacon he's friends with, Debby Harrington, and we did lunch. She answered all my questions, and every trepidation I had, she soothed. By the time we were done chatting and eating, she was possibly more excited for me than Fr. Charlie had been. So now the ball is really rolling. I'm not sure it's picking up too much momentum yet, but it's definitely leaving a path in the grass.

Either I'm really blessed, or I'm hearing voices. I'm going with the blessed thing. Yup. That's grace for ya!