Keep Puttin' It Off

I keep trying to work on this entry, the one about the reservations the discernment committee had, and it keeps not coming out right. I keep starting and revising, and then throwing away my draft and starting over. I finally asked myself why I am doing this when my husband asked me when I plan on posting again. I can't write a new post until this one is done. And I don't want to do it.

It's hard to face our faults. I mean really face them. It's easy to say, "I have a sweet tooth and can't steer clear of chocolate," or "I really need to exercise more," when we try to put on a pair of jeans that's a little too tight. But to bear our inner faults with the whole cyber-world that might stumble upon it and judge me? That's a bit harder.

I have two faults that I have always struggled with in my life. One is my lack of enthusiasm for authority for authority's sake, and the other is that I don't think before I speak. The latter isn't a huge problem since I rarely run into those kinds of authority figures anymore. My job is pretty autonomous thanks to a little thing called "academic freedom" whereby my department chair and other bosses don't micro mange me. But when I was a kid, teachers, principals, most adults and their, "you have to do this because you're a kid and I'm an adult and I said so," never flew with me. I spent a lot of time being in trouble for resisting, pretty needlessly, the very people who wanted me to succeed.

But being a deacon means being a servant, and sometimes to people who can rile me, aggravate me, or just push my buttons. I'm not going to like everyone I encounter on this journey. But, I take comfort in knowing that I don't like all my students, but I manage to put on a smile when I walk into class and treat them all with respect, whether they respect me or not. So I think I can pray and be led in the right direction as far as knowing I need to lead and follow, not just lead.

The other part is harder to deal with. As I just said, even though I don't like all my students, I manage to be respectful to all of them. But thinking before I speak? It's like asking an ocean wave to please not come so far ashore. It's like requesting a dead skunk not to smell. It's like telling a wolf not to eat you because you're not going to taste good. It's like..... well, you get the point.

I say things I shouldn't on a daily basis. I do it everywhere and at any occasion. I'm a non-biased put-her-foot-in-her-mouth-gal. I have angered people because of this. I've probably hurt many people's feeling because of this. It was usually not intentional, but whether it was or not, it's something I need to work on. Silence and consideration of my words.

So I'm praying for help with this, and everything else in this process, as I wait the next phase. Right now, all my paperwork, including the committee's, Fr. Charlie's, and the vestry's reports, and my transcripts, and resume, are waiting in a file. Someone is running background checks, and credit checks, and I'll be called at some point for a physical and psychological examination. Then I'll meet with any series of people at the diocese, from the Archdeacon to the Canon to the Ordinary to the Bish himself. And I'll have to answer their questions, thoughtfully and carefully, not flying off the handle about anything.

So please pray for me and my big mouth. Not that it needs to be smaller, just a little more shut a little more often.