Trepidation

What is there to get all freaked out about? It's not like I have to take a vow of chastity, poverty, sign a form giving all my earthly goods to the church, or sell my pets. Why all the fuss? Here's a list of my fears about this journey, both before talking to Deacon Debby and still persisting.


1. I don't have the time.


This is a big one. Becoming a deacon means a pretty big investment of time. First, I have to go through discernment, which means several meetings over a series of months. Well, okay, I have lots of meetings already, so what's one more? Plus, this will focus on God's call to me, so it's not like sitting through a budget meeting or a student judicial hearing where I know that student is just biding his time and doesn't think he has any blame in whatever trouble he got it. Ooops. I started channeling "Professor LaTour" there. Sorry.


After the discernment meetings, if I move forward, I have to start getting some deacon education. That means giving up every other Saturday for a few years, plus some weekend retreats. Ouch. I just finished a low-residency MFA that took two years and sucked away time. Can I do it again? If I did it once, I suppose I can.


What about after I'm a deacon? How much time then? I'll pretty much do what I'm doing now, with a little more focus and purpose. Deacons are ordained, but "of the world" so they function in both places. I'll still serve on committees. I'll still visit people who can't leave their homes. I'll still be at church every Sunday. And I'll still be a professor. but who knows knows what else?



Verdict: Trepidation EASED



2. My husband, who I love, isn't the church type.


Paul is a super guy. He's into sports, writing, movies, indie music, trips into Chicago, and me. He's been open to adopting abused chihuahuas, putting up with my annoying cockatiels, my venting about students, and my going back to get another Master's degree. He even comes to church with me sometimes. But he's not really the church type and has some issues with the whole idea of church. If you read my first posting, you'll know I had some issues with church stuff in my life. Growing up Catholic meant that we went to church and were active volunteering. But my mom used birth control. And I was not a nice kid so I went to confession, I was pretty much lying that I was sorry for my sins. And let's not go into the whole sex-abuse scandal. I wasn't abused, but friends of mine were.



I brought up Paul when I first talked to Deacon Debby. She pointed out that my growth in the Holy Spirit is apt to help Paul more than hurt him. And if he's half as cool as I made him out to be, he'll hang with me through this. I get a lot of comfort from the passage about a wife with an unbelieving husband. In Paul's First letter to the Corinthians he says," And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife" (verse 13).



However, for whatever issues Paul has with "church," he likes Trinity and really likes the people there. And he's being supportive of this whole "calling" thing. And I think he might find those collars kinda sexy. But probably not.



Verdict: Trepidation EASED

3. There is not any compensation for this.

I know this may look like a really, really shallow trepidation, but we all know about the connection to money and time. And you know I'm a teacher. Teachers don't make the big bucks. And I'm a poet. Poets can only dream of big bucks. I get asked to be a featured reader at several open mics around Chicago every year. For my 20 minutes of reading and hour and half drive, I make about $40. I had to pay some money up front to get a book published and while I've made that money back plus some, it didn't even make a car payment. So I know a lot about doing things for the love of it and not for the cash.

However, being a deacon can be like a part time job on top of whatever job the deacon already has. And that whole "in the world" thing is pretty serious. Deacons don't get full time deacon jobs like priests do. So whatever extra roles I take on in this journey are just that, extra. Please refer to trepidation #1. But also look at my answer for that one.

Verdict: Trepidation EASED

4. This will change me and I don't know exactly how.

Ah, the fear of the unknown. We're surrounded by this right now. What will the stock market do next? Will gas prices stay low? How will Obama do as President? Will Krispy Kreme still be open on my way to church on Sunday?

But self-change is even more frightening. And as you learn about me, you'll know that I'm a little on the edge of normalcy, so change can be even weirder. What if I get more weird? What if I start acting normal? As a case in point, when I met the Bishop of Chicago, Bishop Jeff Lee, when he came to our church this summer, I greeted him with a loud and excited, "HEY BISH! Nice to see ya!" My husband rolled his eyes, and Fr. Charlie was a little taken aback. I think that may have been because he had asked me to entertain Bishop Lee's wife Lisa that afternoon. "Dear Lord, please don't let Kristin frighten Lisa," might have been going through his head.

What if I stop being this strange quirky person I've become? What if I become all studious and holy and have a light glow about me all the time? How will I go shopping? How will I drive at night? Will my students get a glare off the white board?

Verdict: Trepidation EASED (I'm going to stay strange.)

5. I don't need to be a deacon.

I'm doing my part in church and that won't change if I'm a deacon. I can still visit people who are sick or homebound. I can still serve on committees. In fact, I don't think Trinity will let me go back to not participating as I did the first few months I was getting to know everyone. I'll still be a teacher and God's light in a secular place. I'll still pray for my students, my fellow faculty and other people. So why do this?

This comes to the difference between wants and needs. My mom was big on saying, "You don't need that, you just want it." I have this problem in other areas of my life as well, the problem of distinguishing between wants and needs. For example, I've been losing weight. Paul will point out that my pants don't fit so well. So I wear a belt. I don't need new pants nor do I want new pants.. But really, there's a point at which putting a belt on won't fix things. I'll need new pants. I still won't want them, but I'll need them.

So this isn't necessarily a call that I want. I'm fine and dandy. Right as rain. Good as gold. Wonderful. I don't want to change a bunch of things in life or add complications. I have enough already. but this little voice keeps calling to me, either in my heart or from other people. "Why not become a deacon, or at least give it a shot?" I don't have a good answer. So maybe this is a need. A real call. Hmmm...

Verdict: Trepidation CONTINUES. . .

Discernment

So how did this whole deacon thing come about? Well, I was happily serving as lector and as a substitute short stop on the church softball team when I was beamed by a line drive in the knee... Oh wait, wrong story. But that's a good story too, if you like swearing and big purple bruises.

But playing softball was one of the clues that maybe being a deacon is where I need to be. I've always been active in the churches I've been a part of. I've taught Sunday school (which is so NOT my calling), been on altar guild, and I've lectored since I was in high school at the big Catholic Church I grew up in. But then, in 2005, Trinity Church hired a new priest. Fr. Charlie DeKay is not the kind of priest Trinity was used to. We had had the same priest for 30+ years and had grown, well...let's say accustomed to the way things had developed. In other words, it was a little stagnant. But hiring a new young priest, who came with a young wife and three small children, changed all that. We didn't have a Sunday school when I came to Trinity, or a softball team, or a Worship Committee, or a wheelchair ramp, or any other number of things. Let's just say that the Holy Spirit is now flying so fast around Trinity that you almost get knocked over on the way to the bake sale table. It's cool!

But having a new priest meant other changes too. We try new things. One of the new things was the Worship team, which I was asked to serve as a member. When we lost our chairperson, I felt called to step in. I've learned about liturgy and hymns and other aspects of our service I hadn't known about. But it lead Fr. Charlie to ask me to deliver Morning Prayer one morning this past summer. I even got to give the sermon. I was moved by the Holy Spirit and the congregation enjoyed my talk. This was the first time someone from Trinity came up to me and said, "Kristin, you should be a deacon." Okaaaayyy.... Then, during our softball games this summer, I was asked to lead the pre-game prayer a couple of times. Someone else came up to and said, "Hey Kristin, you should be a deacon." Now, this was getting disconcerting. I am fine just as I am. Right?

But I started praying about it. And God started to remind me of little things that had happened early in my life that I had forgotten about that reminded me of earlier calls. And I prayed some more. And then, with a little apprehension, I approached Fr. Charlie one morning after services. "I'm thinking about being a deacon," I said, probably with a look that said something like, "and I'm not sure what to think about this whole thing because it's really, really freakin' me out." But Fr. Charlie seemingly ignored the look on my face, started to beam and glow and then hugged me. So I guess he was excited. I wasn't yet.

Fr. Charlie hooked me up with a deacon he's friends with, Debby Harrington, and we did lunch. She answered all my questions, and every trepidation I had, she soothed. By the time we were done chatting and eating, she was possibly more excited for me than Fr. Charlie had been. So now the ball is really rolling. I'm not sure it's picking up too much momentum yet, but it's definitely leaving a path in the grass.

Either I'm really blessed, or I'm hearing voices. I'm going with the blessed thing. Yup. That's grace for ya!

Starting Out

Hello!

My spiritual journey has been going on for many, many years, but I'm on a new fork in the proverbial road. I'm hoping that with this online journal, I'll help others who are discerning their own paths, and maybe even illuminate my own. Writing is a big part of my life. I teach essay writing as an English professor, and I also teach literature. I write poetry. I listen to music, especially to the lyrics. Words surround me. So I'll be attempting to imbue my journey with words as I reflect on changes, challenges and the joys of my walk with God. I hope you'll join me and add to my insight, and maybe to your own!

As a starting point, I'll share some basics about my life that I plan to elaborate on later. I'll work backwards and see how that goes. I'm a member of Trinity Episcopal Church in Aurora, IL. It's a small-ish church that is growing and changing. I've been here since Christmastime 2004. In fact, I remember my first day with the week before the first Sunday in advent, and I stayed for a brunch served to the members who decorated the church after services. I talked and talked to our then priest, Fr. Burden, and was really taken in. I've been here ever since! I'm on the Worship team, serving at the altar, serving as a lector, and doing lots and lots of other projects. I love it!

Before I came to Trinity, I was a member in churches in Copperas Cove, TX and Duluth, MN. I was active in those congregations too. I came to the Episcopal Church in Duluth through St. Paul's church, and was received into the church in 1996.

Before joining the Episcopal Church in Duluth, I stayed out of church altogether while I was in college. I was discerning what I wanted and didn't want in a church family. You'll see why...

My first church was Our Mother of Sorrows Catholic Church in Tucson, AZ. I was baptised there as an infant, went to school there from Kindergarten through 8th grade, received First Holy Communion, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and Confirmation. I can still recite even lesser-known prayers like "Hail Holy Queen," thanks to the nuns and lay teachers during those nine years of education. My parents were active in the church and regularly gave of their paychecks to help the church. They showed me what it meant to be a full member of a church family. But they separated and divorced when I was in high school and were effectively banished from that family. It caused me a lot of confusion and sent me searching for a family that I could more fully trust and invest my life in.

In future posts, I'll explore how this past has colored my present life and where I'm headed. I think I'm in for a bit of a roller coaster ride, so I'm currently trying to locate that bar that can hold me in my seat. Is it behind me or what???