Trepidation

What is there to get all freaked out about? It's not like I have to take a vow of chastity, poverty, sign a form giving all my earthly goods to the church, or sell my pets. Why all the fuss? Here's a list of my fears about this journey, both before talking to Deacon Debby and still persisting.


1. I don't have the time.


This is a big one. Becoming a deacon means a pretty big investment of time. First, I have to go through discernment, which means several meetings over a series of months. Well, okay, I have lots of meetings already, so what's one more? Plus, this will focus on God's call to me, so it's not like sitting through a budget meeting or a student judicial hearing where I know that student is just biding his time and doesn't think he has any blame in whatever trouble he got it. Ooops. I started channeling "Professor LaTour" there. Sorry.


After the discernment meetings, if I move forward, I have to start getting some deacon education. That means giving up every other Saturday for a few years, plus some weekend retreats. Ouch. I just finished a low-residency MFA that took two years and sucked away time. Can I do it again? If I did it once, I suppose I can.


What about after I'm a deacon? How much time then? I'll pretty much do what I'm doing now, with a little more focus and purpose. Deacons are ordained, but "of the world" so they function in both places. I'll still serve on committees. I'll still visit people who can't leave their homes. I'll still be at church every Sunday. And I'll still be a professor. but who knows knows what else?



Verdict: Trepidation EASED



2. My husband, who I love, isn't the church type.


Paul is a super guy. He's into sports, writing, movies, indie music, trips into Chicago, and me. He's been open to adopting abused chihuahuas, putting up with my annoying cockatiels, my venting about students, and my going back to get another Master's degree. He even comes to church with me sometimes. But he's not really the church type and has some issues with the whole idea of church. If you read my first posting, you'll know I had some issues with church stuff in my life. Growing up Catholic meant that we went to church and were active volunteering. But my mom used birth control. And I was not a nice kid so I went to confession, I was pretty much lying that I was sorry for my sins. And let's not go into the whole sex-abuse scandal. I wasn't abused, but friends of mine were.



I brought up Paul when I first talked to Deacon Debby. She pointed out that my growth in the Holy Spirit is apt to help Paul more than hurt him. And if he's half as cool as I made him out to be, he'll hang with me through this. I get a lot of comfort from the passage about a wife with an unbelieving husband. In Paul's First letter to the Corinthians he says," And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife" (verse 13).



However, for whatever issues Paul has with "church," he likes Trinity and really likes the people there. And he's being supportive of this whole "calling" thing. And I think he might find those collars kinda sexy. But probably not.



Verdict: Trepidation EASED

3. There is not any compensation for this.

I know this may look like a really, really shallow trepidation, but we all know about the connection to money and time. And you know I'm a teacher. Teachers don't make the big bucks. And I'm a poet. Poets can only dream of big bucks. I get asked to be a featured reader at several open mics around Chicago every year. For my 20 minutes of reading and hour and half drive, I make about $40. I had to pay some money up front to get a book published and while I've made that money back plus some, it didn't even make a car payment. So I know a lot about doing things for the love of it and not for the cash.

However, being a deacon can be like a part time job on top of whatever job the deacon already has. And that whole "in the world" thing is pretty serious. Deacons don't get full time deacon jobs like priests do. So whatever extra roles I take on in this journey are just that, extra. Please refer to trepidation #1. But also look at my answer for that one.

Verdict: Trepidation EASED

4. This will change me and I don't know exactly how.

Ah, the fear of the unknown. We're surrounded by this right now. What will the stock market do next? Will gas prices stay low? How will Obama do as President? Will Krispy Kreme still be open on my way to church on Sunday?

But self-change is even more frightening. And as you learn about me, you'll know that I'm a little on the edge of normalcy, so change can be even weirder. What if I get more weird? What if I start acting normal? As a case in point, when I met the Bishop of Chicago, Bishop Jeff Lee, when he came to our church this summer, I greeted him with a loud and excited, "HEY BISH! Nice to see ya!" My husband rolled his eyes, and Fr. Charlie was a little taken aback. I think that may have been because he had asked me to entertain Bishop Lee's wife Lisa that afternoon. "Dear Lord, please don't let Kristin frighten Lisa," might have been going through his head.

What if I stop being this strange quirky person I've become? What if I become all studious and holy and have a light glow about me all the time? How will I go shopping? How will I drive at night? Will my students get a glare off the white board?

Verdict: Trepidation EASED (I'm going to stay strange.)

5. I don't need to be a deacon.

I'm doing my part in church and that won't change if I'm a deacon. I can still visit people who are sick or homebound. I can still serve on committees. In fact, I don't think Trinity will let me go back to not participating as I did the first few months I was getting to know everyone. I'll still be a teacher and God's light in a secular place. I'll still pray for my students, my fellow faculty and other people. So why do this?

This comes to the difference between wants and needs. My mom was big on saying, "You don't need that, you just want it." I have this problem in other areas of my life as well, the problem of distinguishing between wants and needs. For example, I've been losing weight. Paul will point out that my pants don't fit so well. So I wear a belt. I don't need new pants nor do I want new pants.. But really, there's a point at which putting a belt on won't fix things. I'll need new pants. I still won't want them, but I'll need them.

So this isn't necessarily a call that I want. I'm fine and dandy. Right as rain. Good as gold. Wonderful. I don't want to change a bunch of things in life or add complications. I have enough already. but this little voice keeps calling to me, either in my heart or from other people. "Why not become a deacon, or at least give it a shot?" I don't have a good answer. So maybe this is a need. A real call. Hmmm...

Verdict: Trepidation CONTINUES. . .