First Gate Cleared!

My discernment committee has deciphered the call that I'm receiving as a call to the deaconate! Yeay! Woohooo! Yowza! Ha cha cha!


Okay, now that that's out of my system, let me clarify what they said. There were no balloons, or confetti, or uncorking bottles of bubbly. I came to the meeting after the group had already convened to make their final decision. I got to Rick's house (Rick was the chair and the host for the meeting), was greeted and ushered into the living room where everyone was chatting. I sat down after our hellos, and Rick said they had come to a decision. I said, "okay," or something like it, equally lame, and someone asked if I wanted to know what the decision was. It was going to come sooner or later, but part of me was really scared of knowing. Move forward? Is that good? Go back? It that better or worse? But I mustered a smile, and said, "Sure," and they said I should keep going. But...


Let me emphasize the "but" here. The group has reservations about my moving forward. Now, I've had many people express reservations about me, so this is not a new sensation. I almost had to do first grade over again because my teacher wasn't sure I was ready because I wouldn't do my work-- I'd hand in blank worksheets. I almost didn't make it out of of fifth grade for the same reason, and I told my teacher off. I was allowed to get my first master's degree, but with the caveat that I not go on for Ph.D. work because the faculty didn't think I was ready for that. I got tenure at JJC, but with the Vice President's concern that my teaching practices were unorthodox and of concern to him.

So I get to move on to the next step, applying and meeting with the Canon to the Ordinary (assistant to the bishop) and the bishop. I'll write more about the reservations soon, but I wanted to get the good news out. I'm moving forward! Praise the Lord!

The Ride

I was on a rollercoaster once when I was about 10. It didn’t make me sick until I had a nightmare about it that night, and I had to get up to run to the bathroom. My family and I figured I wasn’t rollercoaster material, and I didn’t ride one for years. Then, when I was 28, Paul and I went to Six Flags for our anniversary. I wanted to try riding a coaster, and we got in line for the first one we came across—Mr. Freeze from the Batman comics. We had to go into a building to get in line, and the cars came into the building, shooting out a tube, and then returning the same way. So you went out facing forward, and shot back in facing backward. I wasn’t paying attention at all to the cars or how they came and went, but Paul was, and he knew better than to say anything and risk my freaking out and not getting on. So we strapped in, and then were shot out a tube going 75 m.ph. There were two corkscrew turns that left the cars shooting up a spire, then back down in reverse. The whole ride took about 30 seconds. For the whole ride I screamed things I don’t care to print here. I was shaking when we got out off the ride, but figured no rollercoaster could be worse than that, so I rode a bunch more that day until neither Paul nor I could get on one more without being sick.

The past few weeks have been like a rollercoaster-- one like Mr. Freeze. I can’t blame work, which has been smooth, or my husband’s being laid off, which we were praying for. It’s all been about the discernment process, which has taken me places I had not expected to go.

Looking back at my first entries (see “Trepidation” in November 2008), I had written about my concerns about the discernment process, and my path to being a deacon. Two of the problems I had were that I knew I might have to change as part of the process, and also, that I don’t need to be a deacon. I think these were the two biggest obstacles, but at the time, I wasn’t sure that I even had obstacles. I’ve been telling myself this whole time that the call to be a deacon didn’t come from me—it came from the Holy Spirit working in others. I rationalized that this meant that I wouldn’t be heartbroken if I kept to my current way of life as a lay person if the discernment process led me and the committee to believe that deacon-hood isn’t for me, at least for right now. But things have changed. I have changed.

Here’s where the rollercoaster metaphor comes in. On the old-fashioned wooden rollercoasters, you can see, pretty much, where you’re going. There’s the big drop after the first rise, but you can see the bottom, and the first curve coming up. On Mr. Freeze, part of the thrill is there is no drop, and it moves so fast riders can’t tell where it’s going. As I strapped myself into my seat for the discernment process, I thought that I would answer questions honestly, the group would think about my answers, and we’d move through the discussion discovering where my life should be going. I told myself I was open to whatever decisions and curves came my way. If the ride ends with me getting off and going home, that was fine. If it ends and I get to go back in line for another ride, that’s great too.

But the ride has gone on for much longer than I expected. Not that I didn’t know this process would last through June, but you know the feeling when the stomach and body say, “Enough, we want off this ride,” but you’re not near the end? That’s the way I’m feeling. I have answered the questions I’ve been given honestly, but then I wonder if I couldn’t have answered them more clearly, more succinctly, more coherently. Did I even answer them at all, or did I go off on a tangent? Was my tone rational and even as I gave an answer? Should I have been more emphatic or less so? Was it okay to be emotional? Why did that question make me so edgy?

But while I want off the ride, I also want to get back on again, for another shot at it. Somewhere along the line my whole attitude of “whatever the Holy Spirit wants” and “this isn’t coming from me, so I don’t mind if it ends” has changed. I want to be a deacon. The call that originated outside of me has awakened the call within me. I will mind, at least a little, if the group comes to the conclusion that I’m not ready yet. And there are good reasons for me not to be ready yet. I’ve filled my life with work, and while I am making real progress to not fill it up any longer, there’s a risk that I will shift back that way. But, I know in my heart that I want to fill my life doing God’s work, not just work-work. Another problem I have is that I sometimes (okay, oftentimes) speak without thinking, which can mean I step on people’s toes sometimes, or that I put my foot in my mouth. I can try to work on that too, but even then, no deacon is perfect.

So I’ve been feeling a little queasy about the process lately, but it’ll pass. I can’t believe how fast time has gone, how much I’ve grown both in this call and in my prayer life and my life as a whole. I have been listening to God and the Holy Spirit in ways I never thought I would. I’ve changed for the better, so no matter what path I am on, I’m moving in the right direction.

A Prayer I was Given

A woman on my discernment committee brought this prayer to our last meeting. I thought I'd share it here. The one she brought was written in plural (we and us) but I changed it to singular (I and me) for my own use.


Lord God, You who know me and the secrets of my heart,
Come now and fill me with the spirit of sincerity as I pledge myself to You and to the coming of Your Kingdom.
Lord, I desire to serve You with my heart, soul and strength.
I seek to surrender myself to Your holy plan.
May I strive to live within the spirit of holy poverty, living a simple way of life.
May my greatest possession be Your love and the love of those around me.
Help me to strive for excellence in loving.
Help me to be obedient and open to the mystery of Your voice within me, willing to embrace whatever You ask of me.

Lord and Friend, I rededicate myself to a life of prayer and worship of You.
May a song of praise be the constant melody of my heart.
I re-commit myself to serve the needs of those around me and the needs of the world.
May I find my salvation here at this time and in this place where I live.
May my union with those who share my commitment be a source of confirmation and inspiration.

Lord, I marvel that You, in Your divine wisdom, have chosen me to be the an instrument of Your creative salvation.
May all the works of my hands be leaven to make that much desired kingdom a reality.
Bless me now in Your abounding love as I promise to be Your friend, servant and holy minister. Amen.