Speed Bump Ahead

My neighborhood is full of speed bumps. Not those asphalt ones parking lots have that jar passengers’ teeth, but wide rises in the road that gently lift the car up and over. When we first moved here, we had to be attentive and go really slowly over them, but now that we’re used to them, we slow down without even thinking.

I’m using a lame metaphor here for the bumps we have in life. I’ve had a busy, busy life for several years in a row now, more busy than I’ve been ever before. I’ve been used to hitting a bump, ignoring it, and moving on. I double scheduled meetings? One quick call usually settles that. I somehow signed up for coffee hour the same morning I’m helping on the altar and doing the readings? No problem. I’ll just ask someone for help and push through.

I’ve finally reached a bump that’s made me take some notice, that’s sent my shocks squeaking. It’s not a bump that I can just smooth over with a phone call. I suppose it’s one that I could push through, but the consequences of doing that will be more than just a rushed Sunday morning. I’ve come to a point in my discernment process that is making me stop and wonder if I should keep moving forward.

I can’t go into too much detail, but the bump has to do with one of the many tests that I have had to take. The results came back showing the need for another longer, more in-depth test to get some new results to help the diocese make a decision about my strength in going into holy orders. I’m not opposed to taking more tests, per se. It’s not that I don’t think I can do it and do well. It’s just…well…this nagging feeling.

I’ve had some nagging feelings from the beginning, but they were quieted after talking to other deacons, or after being encouraged to move forward, or after people said they had faith in me. But I’ve moved on, trusting that the right things would happen. This snag has been one that is calling me stop, listen to God, and pray really, really hard.

I’ll be listening, praying, and asking for insight from friends and family. I have to come to a decision soon— there’s a deadline looming.