Looking back on the year

I started 2009 praying about whether or not I should work toward being ordained as a deacon. Just after New Year's Day, my discernment committee met for the first time, and the journey was officially on its way. But, like any trip that starts out without a map, an itinerary and a plan, there was no way to know exactly where I'd go or where it would end. I started the year feeling pretty uncertain, but open to whatever lay ahead.


The year went by pretty fast. Just looking at the discernment process, we finished meeting in May, and the group felt that God was calling me to move forward, but that I also needed to keep praying, and keep working on some things. In May, I started meeting with a spiritual director. By July, I had taken all the tests I had to take and was waiting for further news. By the end of July, I was feeling something was not going right, and was praying for sight to see what God wanted me to do. By August, I had decided to stop and wait and not go forward with the meetings, tests and retreat. And by October, when I met with my friend Deacon Debbie Harrington, I had become so focused on my work in Trinity and at school, felt so at peace within myself, that when she asked me if I was having any regret about withdrawing from the process, I had to stop and think. No, there was absolutely no regret, just a feeling of abiding peace and happiness at the direction my life was headed.


I am looking forward to 2010. I have two new projects at Trinity that will start in January. One is a weekly Bible study group and another is a quarterly book group. Both will use my talents as a teacher, talents others have seen in me as my true calling from God. And Bible study will hep me fulfill one of the weak areas in my spiritual life-- having a good understanding of and familiarity with God's Word.


I've also made room in my life for more peace and less stress. For the past few years I've taken on more and more administrative tasks at my work and been teaching less. The admin. stuff is not where my heart lies, and while I'm good at it, it's stressful and not fulfilling. I'll go back to full-time teaching this spring while letting most of the admin. work slow to a trickle. By the summer, I plan to be a teacher alone, with minimal committee work. This also fills my heart, knowing I'll be connecting with my students even better and without the burdens of the other work on my back.

The past year has also been fulfilling with my family and friends. I grew closer to my sister as her wedding approached, and it was wonderful to see her and her husband so happy on their big day. I also reconnected with my dad this year, and continue to have a great relationship with my mom. All three of them were very supportive as I went through the discernment process. This journey also opened up new conversations between my husband, Paul, and I, and even with my other family members as I kept them updated on what was happening with my tests and meetings, and asking them for prayers and advice.


I've made wonderful new friends through Trinity this year, and been with new and old friends through good and bad times. I've prayed with friends who have lost close family members and continue to struggle with those losses. I've celebrated as old friends have safely returned from far places and dark places. I've reached out to newcomers who have become close friends, and let go of some people who were ready to move on. All of them have been blessings to me, and I pray that I've been a blessing to them.


A lot of people take stock this time of year, looking back at the events of the past, and looking forward into the dim light of the new year. This year I know I'll grow and change and have good and bad experiences. I'll make mistakes and learn from them. I'll help people and try not to hurt anyone, although that's probably bound to happen, too, no matter how hard I try. I might move forward with the ordination process, or I might find that my work in the church and world is just where I need to be. Every new year is a mystery. But what a wonderful mystery! I pray for all the best for all of you, and the understanding that no matter what happens, God is always with us all.